Feldmann. Party of Four.

I rocked this day.

2012-01-26T22:05:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I think that women are taught from birth to downplay themselves. We question what we do, we look for approval, and when we don't get it, we think we've failed. We work, and work, and work... and for what? To finish the day thinking about all the things we didn't get done?

Well guess what? When I got home from the grocery store tonight, I looked in the mirror and for the first time ever thought, "You rock. Seriously. You rocked this day."

I grew up hearing this verse of scripture:

"The worth of souls is great in the sight of God."

For some reason, I always thought that only meant that everyone else's soul was worth a lot. Not mine, not little old me! I have so many shortcomings. I have so many failures. I never get anything right. I'm too fat. I'm not spiritual enough. I'm too dumb. I'm too lazy. I'm not good enough. I'm not happy enough. I'm not worth anything.

Oh no, no. I was sorely mistaken. Because guess what? The verse doesn't say, "The worth of everyone's soul but yours is great in the sight of God." Souls. Everyone's souls. Even the people we don't like-which most often includes ourselves. So make a list. Write down everything you accomplish, because you may discover that you actually accomplished quite a lot, and then acknowledge your own personal wins for the day.

Then, you look in that mirror at the end of the day and say something to the effect of,

"I rocked this day. I mean seriously. I took it out back, and I beat the crap out of it. I took care of a sick, whiny, clingy toddler today. I worked out. I went to the grocery store. I unloaded the dishwasher. I did laundry. I kissed my husband.

Maybe I didn't make a ton of (or any) money. Maybe I didn't earn some big award. Maybe I didn't only think nice things.

But you know what I did? I loved on my kids. I didn't kill anyone. I even took a shower and let myself look at pinterest for a while. Take that, Thursday."

You know why? Because you did. You made it through the day. And you did some good things. So. Here's to Friday. Rock your day, and then give yourself credit. You're worth it.

Loud.

2012-01-20T01:14:00.001-05:00

Sometimes there’s an undeniable disparity between who I am and who I want to be; between who I am and who people think I am. Sometimes in the quiet hours between the time when everyone else falls asleep and the time I finally drift off (read: wrestle my racing mind into submission and force my weary eyes to close) I have the opportunity to sit and ponder who I really am.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

When I was a teenager, I was LOUD. Not your average, run of the mill, no volume control loud, we’re talking loud voice, loud laugh, loud personality. Everyone knew who I was, and people either loved me or hated me. (I like to believe everyone loved me, obviously.) I told jokes that weren’t funny, they were just louder than everyone else’s. I made fun of people behind their backs loud enough to make myself seem cool. These deafening traits weren’t a mark of confidence, they rarely are.

I would spend my entire day at school refusing to eat, the bulk of the afternoon and evening cramming every morsel of food I could find in my mouth (duh, I was starving) and a portion of the night in a locked bathroom throwing as much as I could back up. But I wasn’t loud about that.

When I was about 12 and starting to have all those really super bizarre physical changes that happen to a girl, I really started, for the first time, to realize that my mom was dead. She’d been gone for six whole years, but it hadn’t sunken into the deepest parts of my mind. I missed her profoundly. I felt isolated and alone. I felt like nobody in the whole wide world would ever be able to understand me. I felt dark and depressed. I felt the agonizing mental torment that accompanies the death of a parent. But I wasn’t loud about that.

When I was in high school, I wanted more than anything to be cast as the lead in a musical. Nearly every time I came in second or third. It made me question whether or not I had the musical talent I’d been told I had. My senior year, I was cast as an absurd character who goes on stage and makes a fool of herself. I played my part well, earned a mention in the newspaper for my less than ten lines, and never felt talented again. But I wasn’t loud about that either.

And now I’m an adult. I’m not so loud anymore.

I’m strong.
I’m a fighter.
I’m fiercely loyal.

I went through my own personal Hell to get here, but I survived. I made mistakes along the way. I’ve spent my share of nights crying myself to sleep, and regrettably my share of nights screaming at anyone who would take it. (Usually my husband, who happens to be perfect for me in every way, but that’s another story for another day.) It’s been a hard road, and a long one. In fact, I’m certain I haven’t yet reached the end of this journey, but there’s one thing I know for sure:

I don’t have to be loud anymore, It’s okay to just be me. Even if I’m not completely sure who that is yet.

Katrina's Kitchen

2012-01-14T16:57:00.001-05:00

Want to know how we made this transformation over 6 months without going on a diet, and while still eating dessert every night?

I had the opportunity to be a guest-blogger at Katrina's Kitchen, and my post will be up on Tuesday! Stay tuned!

I can do hard things.

2012-01-12T15:55:00.006-05:00

Sometimes being a mom of two tiny ones is the hardest thing I've ever done. Strike that. Being a mom of two tiny ones is, without a doubt, the hardest thing I've ever done. Hard isn't always bad, per se, it's just, well, you know, hard. (I think there might be too many commas in that sentence.)

Sometimes it feels like the whole world is spinning around me and I can't even have a second to clear my head. Sometimes it feels like there's so much screaming going on in this house that it will never be quiet again. (This is a result of having two children who are not capable of talking.)

James has taken to loving a new game. Not really a game, but something we do together. I hold him in my arms, with his legs around my waist, and we spin. Fast. He lies back, closes his eyes, and then he laughs. I change directions, and he laughs harder. Well, I noticed something when I was doing this the other day. The whole world was spinning. Fast. All I could see clearly was that sweet little boy's face-laughing with me. For a split-second, I was carried away into a world where no matter how fast everything was spinning, all that existed was my little boy and me.

Laughing.

I guess the only real difference between that moment and every other crazy second is that I took a moment to focus on what was right in front of me.

And who wouldn't feel some peace in the crazy world while looking at something as precious as that face?

Our new little munchkin

2011-11-12T14:28:00.008-05:00

As you all may know by now (seriously it's been 4 weeks!) we welcomed our new little man into the family in the wee hours of October 14. At 10:48 PM on October 13, I felt a contraction. I was cranky and skeptical because I'd been having contractions for almost 4 straight weeks, but I started timing. I had a few hard contractions about 4 minutes apart, and then they stopped for 10 minutes. I settled in to watch Psych with Christopher before bed. When the contractions returned, they were vicious! After 20 minutes, we knew it was time to go. We called Cindy and Kevin, and they decided to send Cindy over here so James could sleep in his bed over night.

By midnight, we were headed to the hospital! When we made it into labor and delivery, I was 7 cm dilated. Our little man was on his way! I had planned to go all natural this time, but I'd forgotten how painful giving birth is. Nothing is quick at the hospital, so after an excruciating 90 minutes, the anesthesiologist finally showed up. I was at 9 cm when he arrived in my room. I don't know if I'll ever be able to describe the reason I still chose to have an epidural after I'd made it that far. Honestly, I was just a few moments from being completely done with the experience. Regardless, I got the epidural and I finally relaxed.

I asked Christopher to take my picture while I was in labor so that I could see what I looked like. This was taken immediately after I laid down and started to feel relief, 2:44 am.

A few seconds later, they told me to try a practice push. I started to push, and the doctor basically yelled, "Wait! Stop!" Suddenly the room was filled with people-collapsing the bed, getting suited up (honestly, did they expect a bloodbath?) and ready to go.

At 2:48, I began to push. That's the end of the story, because he was born that second.

Samuel Christopher Feldmann. My long, skinny, squidgy baby.

I'll spare you the gooey just-exiting-the-womb shot. You're welcome.

Now a sidenote: in the picture you just saw, he looks just like James. While that was the case for a fraction of a second within 5 minutes of his birth, it never happened again. James is the spitting image of his father, and Sam is undeniably related to the Unklesbay clan.

Just a few minutes before Sam was born (ha. All the minutes I was in labor were minutes just before he was born, really.) I explained to the nurses that James was whisked away immediately after he was born, and I didn't get to hold him for over 5 minutes, (I understand that this isn't a long time...but just enough to bug me.) and nobody explained what was going on to me. To this day, I can't watch the video of James's birth because I still freak out when they take him away. The nurses at this hospital, even though Sam needed a little extra care, made sure to put him on my chest and let me see his face for a few moments. They took him away to make sure everything was ok-saw that he needed some extra attention in the nursery-and then let me hold him a little while longer before they took him.

Remember that epidural that I still got even though I was already at 9 cm? It had at least one major side-effect. When Sam was born, I was 100% comfortable. Well, at least as comfortable as one can be with their legs up in the air and something the size of a watermelon being forcibly removed from your body. But because I was so comfortable, and because the hours of pain were over, (4, if you're counting. 4 hours exactly from first contraction to delivery.) as soon as Sam was born, I was SO happy. So. My tiny guy and his dad went off to the nursery to make sure everything was okay, and to monitor him for a little while to make sure his breathing was just right. I was bored, and they were gone for nearly an hour. I took the time to call my dad and Ethan, (surprise! I knew he'd be up!) get changed into a fresh gown, and straighten up the delivery room. (ah! That nesting instinct finally kicked in!) I texted Christopher a few times, and he sent me some pictures of the baby.

Up to this point, I still didn't know my little guy's stats. I was BEGGING to know! The nurse who was checking on me was undoubtedly frustrated with me, because I kept asking every single time she came in. This little guy I KNEW was really long, but I was certain he was a lightweight. 8.5 lbs tops. Finally the measurements arrived!

9 lbs, 6.6 oz and 23 inches long.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I did it again.

So what if my kids are the size of toddlers when they're born.

But seriously, he's the size of a very skinny 3 month old.

Long legs, feet and toes.

Long arms and fingers.

An adorable baby-sized Unklesbay nose...

Perfect. Absolutely perfect.

So. After an hour or so, Christopher finally came back to retrieve me, and we went to our postpartum room. The nurses were all talking about how this 9 lb baby was out in one push.

Ever wonder when you're going to get your 15 seconds of fame? Well, that was mine. Not a terrible thing to be famous for, and I'm telling you...I was the talk of the maternity ward at U of L hospital that night-sometime around 4 am.

After we got settled, we finally got a chance to take a picture of daddy with his tiny guy.

This is my favorite thing in the world, by the way. Christopher with our kids. He's incredible, in case I haven't mentioned it.

The next day, our awesome friends Cindy and Kevin came to visit us at the hospital, and brought James. Now-even though I was 5 days overdue, somehow I hadn't put together a survival kit for James. Honestly, nobody could find any clothes for him. I really need to get a system for the kids' clothes! So Cindy's sweet friend (insert name I've completely forgotten. Sorry!) bought James some new clothes.

We got to take our very first family picture. We look exhausted, but as one of my friends pointed out, more like Christmas morning than like we're dying of sleep deprivation. (A current picture might show something different.) I can't describe how wonderful it was to see James after being away from him overnight. It didn't feel right to be together without him there.

Saturday in the hospital was wonderful. We laid around, went for a couple of walks, and my parents came to visit. We pulled some strings at the hospital, and convinced the doctors to let us go home at 40 hours instead of 48, and then they messed up on something and it ended up being 39. I was beyond thrilled! Nobody gets rest in the hospital. Nobody. Perhaps I could have convinced them to put me in a coma for the time I was there so I could get some rest?

So we dressed up our new little man.

Put on the famous booties,

And went home.

Now for the best part of the whole story. By 10 PM on October 15, 2011, I had my whole family at home where they belonged. We were all soundly sleeping in our beds. Just the way it's supposed to be. Nobody missing.

Finally.

Um...do you know me?

2011-10-05T14:41:00.002-04:00

There's been a lot of talk at our house lately about the changes in Facebook. When the new features were first presented at the f8 convention, they were announced as a way to "know your friends like you've never known them before."

Interesting.

As the changes take place, you'll continue to be able to see what things your friends "like" and comment on in REAL TIME! You'll be able to see what your friends are listening to in REAL TIME! You'll know what your friends are watching in REAL TIME! Is this sounding a little big brother-ish to you? It is to me. Not like the-government-is-watching-my-every-move Big Brother, more like there's-a-camera-in-every-room-of-my-house-and-everyone-is-watching Big Brother. It's okay, I guess...if you're into that sort of thing.

I mostly am not.

But the whole point I'm trying to make is...does this make it so you know your friends like you've never known them before? Or does it take us all to a new level of stalking, yet never really knowing anyone? According to Mark Zuckerberg, when Facebook first came out, people would spend 5 minutes perusing someone's profile. Now the number is 20. 20 minutes. No wonder it's so easy to waste your life away on Facebook! You can click through everything someone's doing! You can learn things about them you never knew before! And with the advent of Timeline, you can click through someone's WHOLE LIFE!!!!

uhm...hey, Creeper. Wouldn't it be a lot cooler if you talked to someone for 20 minutes and learned all about them?

I was at a gathering once and heard someone say, "My friend was saying the other day_______" making it sound as if these two people had a meaningful conversation. They never did. I saw it on Facebook too. According to my 17 year old brother, Facebook is automatically uncool as soon as you talk about Facebook outside of Facebook. But...what happens when there's so little interaction in real life that Facebook is all that's left? I mean-sure-I'm not going to call everyone I know to tell them about the funny little thing James just did, but I post it on Facebook so I can feel validated in thinking it was awesome.

Facebook and Spotify will link together and tell you that I spent an hour listening to Josh Groban yesterday. If you knew that, would you feel like you knew me better? Maybe. But I can guarantee that you wouldn't know that I'm not a huge Grobanite. I desperately needed to relax, I was soaking in the tub, and I was interested in listening to something different than my typical instrumental music. You'll never know why I needed to relax. You'll never know what was going on with me yesterday.

What about when it tells you I'm listening to

Breaking Benjamin?

Dave Matthews Band?

Mika?

There's always a reason. You may discover that I spent an entire week listening to the exact same music. So what if it was Michael Jackson. It doesn't mean you know me. (Okay, shut up! It's something that is just REALLY catchy about the song "Earth Song." I can't stop listening to it. And if I don't play "This is it," "Blame it on the Boogie," and some other selected MJ songs once a week, I feel like I'm not truly living.)

So all this to say, with the advent of the new and improved Facebook...do we really know each other at all anymore? Or do we just think we do?

Men

2011-09-19T21:47:00.006-04:00

I heard this quote this morning, and couldn't not share. Have you ever met my husband? He's the most incredible man in the universe. He's tall, dark, and handsome. He's smart, he's creative, he's strong, compassionate, and loving. He's gentle and kind and understanding. He brings out the very best in me, and sticks with me through my worst times. He's seen me fail, and he's seen me succeed, and he still stands by me. He teaches me patience and strength, and he always puts his family first.

He's all I ever wanted, and more than I deserve.

There are really not enough words to express how lucky I am to have this man in my life. As I prepare to give birth to our second son, all I can think is that I would be so proud of my two little guys if they turn out just like their dad. James already has his smile, his eyes, and his strength. I can't wait to watch both boys follow the incredible example set by their dad.

So to you, Christopher, thank you. Thank you for being the best husband and father I've ever seen. Thank you for working so hard to provide for our family. Thank you for encouraging me and helping me succeed. Thank you for making each day better than the one before. Thank you for believing in me when I don't believe in myself.

Thank you for teaching me that I'm worth it.

On having babies close together...

2011-09-12T15:49:00.002-04:00

Someone told my husband today that they felt sorry for our kids because they're going to be so close together. I try to be careful to not rant about the comments we've been getting since announcing this pregnancy, because it doesn't do anyone any good, but maybe it's time for me to say something.

Shortly after we were married, I was told that we would need a fertility specialist in order to get pregnant at all. Ever. I have a medical condition that is the number one cause of infertility in women. It's also known to cause secondary infertility.

Our children are a blessing.

We want them.

We care for them.

We love them.

So please, don't feel sorry for them and don't feel sorry for us. Sometimes the most challenging things in our lives are the biggest blessings.

Becoming a Mother

2011-09-06T12:15:00.003-04:00

I always thought that the day I found out I was pregnant, I became a mother.

Then I got pregnant.

When I was pregnant, I was positive that the first time I saw my baby moving on the ultrasound monitor, I would become a mother.

Then I saw the ultrasound.

When I was pregnant, watching those wonderful ultrasounds, I knew that I'd have to experience something different to become a mother. I couldn't be more certain that the moment I saw my first child for the first time, I would become a mother.

Then I saw him. There wasn't any magical moment. I didn't cry because I was so happy. I was terrified, I was tired, and I didn't FEEL anything. I definitely didn't feel like I'd become a mother.

In the months that followed, I didn't feel like much had changed about me except for the fact that I slept less, I complained more, and I was generally not very pleasant to be around. I was unsteady and unsure of myself, and I felt very lonely in the world. Not like a mother at all.

Today, as I watch my little boy cruise around the furniture, turn the pages in his books, hug and kiss his teddy bears, drive his cars, and touch things while saying, "This! This!" I feel love. I feel peace. I feel gratitude. And most of all, I feel like a mother.

So all that is to say, becoming a mother isn't an event. It's not like getting baptized and becoming a member of a church. It's not turning thirteen and becoming a teenager. It's a process, or at least for me it has been. I never once felt the switch flip and knew for sure that in one moment I became a mother, but I do know that over the last year I have.

For that, I'm eternally grateful. For the opportunity to be a mom. For the wonderful blessing of staying home with my little guy. For the knowledge that the Lord won't ask us to do anything without preparing a way for us to accomplish it. Including...becoming a mother.

It's a boy! And other news.

2011-06-22T12:34:00.003-04:00

The results are in! Baby number two is a boy! We're so excited. It took three ultrasounds to get an actual 100% "It's a boy," but now we know! I know the picture is small, but if you can't tell, it's a 3/4 type shot with his hand on his face, kind of like a "facepalm."

As a family, we've made the decision to eat more healthily. We started by switching out a few simple things that we eat a lot of. Peanut butter, bread, etc. We made an effort to add some more fruits and vegetables each day, and we also made an effort to drink more water. That was working great, and actually made a big difference in the way we were feeling.

Then Christopher shared some things that he learned while watching Jamie Oliver. Together we decided to take more control over our diets and the foods that go into our bodies. We started reading the labels on every food we buy and we're not buying anything that has ingredients that we don't recognize. (We use google sometimes, because there are lots of food terms we don't know yet.) We've learned so far that there are unnecessary additives and preservatives in everything that we've been eating. The food makeover may take a little while, but we're already feeling better. I've started to notice fruits and honey tasting sweeter, and I don't need to add sugar to things I eat anymore. This morning I had oatmeal with strawberries, and a little bit of honey. It was delicious!

James is growing so fast! He crawls everywhere just as fast as he possibly can, and this week has started following me out of rooms, and returning to things I've pulled him out of. I've barricaded the vertical blinds on the doors in the living room, the guitar, and the ps3, and he's still finding plenty to get into! He likes to pull himself up on things, and because of that, I'm greeted by this adorable sight after naps, and often in the morning.

He loves all kinds of foods, and prefers the food on my plate to the puréed baby food. (Yet another great reason to not be eating unnatural foods! But it's hard when I can't give him things I put honey in.) This morning I fed him slices of avocado, which he really enjoyed eating, but the most fun part was finger painting all over his tray in bright green! When I took off his bib, it was obvious where it had been; his clothes were green too.

Over the weekend, we had the chance to visit home. We stayed for a few days with Chris's dad and his wife, and had a really good time. We took a few minutes to stop by Greenwood so James could see where his Grandma Melinda is buried. Maybe it's a little morbid, but we took pictures because she's an important part of our family. It's kind of like a three-generation shot.

On Saturday, GG and Papa had a big party at their house to celebrate both of them turning 75 this year, as well as their house turning 150. It was a wonderful time, and James was the star of the show! All of that entertaining wore him out, and he snuggled in next to Dad on the swing and slept for a half-hour or so. I can't wait to get this picture framed on my nightstand. There's nothing more special to me than to see my boys together, and James is DEFINITELY a Daddy's Boy. Christopher is the best dad in the world.

We celebrated Father's day with Chris's dad, and it was great! I sure do love my little family, and can't wait until we're a family of 4-even though I'm going to be seriously outnumbered! Quick, someone go buy me something pink so I don't forget I'm a girl!

Wonder and Awe

2011-06-01T09:48:00.004-04:00

I don't know if I'll ever tire of watching my sweet baby boy explore the world. He finds the most unusual things fascinating, the threads on the inside of a sock, the corner of a pillow, the underside of his swing, and the laces on Dad's shoes, just to name a few.

I'm sure it would be seriously boring, not to mention inconvenient, to have all the memories of my early life in my head along with everything else I'm supposed to be remembering, (not that I'm doing a very good job of that these days!) but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to remember witnessing the world for the first time, every new object filling me with wonder and awe. What's so special about the back of a toy when all the buttons are on the front? What makes the tag on a stuffed animal more fun to play with than the rest of the toy? Why are socks so much fun to chew on? What IS it about people's shoes?

Happy Mother's Day!

2011-05-08T13:11:00.002-04:00

I shared my thoughts on motherhood recently, they can be found here. So today, I'd like to share some of my favorite moments in the last year of being a mother.

-Feeling James kick and squirm all hours of the night.

-Giving birth.

-Holding James for the first time.

-Watching Chris with James for the first time.

-Celebrating James's firsts: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and Easter.

-Seeing James's first smile.

-Hearing his first laugh.

-Holding him all night long to help him sleep.

-Watching James learn to be mobile-squirming, rolling, scooting, and rocking.

-Listening to his first "Words" - Dada, Nana, Baba, Gaga, Mama

-Helping him feel better when he's sick.

-The way he grins at me when I go into his room in his morning.

-Listening to him talk when he wakes up.

-Watching the faces that he makes as he tries new foods.

And so many more things! Being a mother is such a wonderful blessing in my life. Sometimes I still can't believe that this adorable boy came from heaven to be with our family, and I'm so blessed to be his mom.

Happy Half-Birthday Baby James!

2011-04-18T14:40:00.005-04:00

Dear James,

Wow! I can't believe six months have passed since you made your wonderful debut into our family! These last six months have been the most incredible months of our lives. We are so blessed to have you in our family. You make us smile and laugh, cry and pray. Because of you, we work harder, think more, and are happier than ever.

In the last months, you have grown so much, and learned more than we could ever imagine.

When you were born, we knew right away that you looked just like Daddy. You were 9 lbs, 7 oz, and 20 inches long.

At one month old, you were as cute as can be. Everyone loved you, and wanted to hold you all the time. We discovered that you didn't really like sleeping, and you were very unhappy until we switched you to formula. After the switch, you were so much happier! We were glad to finally have found something that would work for your little tummy. You didn't like sleeping by yourself, so you spent every night in Mom's arms. We all started getting a lot more sleep!

We decided it was time for you to learn how to play the trumpet. Aunt Lydia didn't mind letting you borrow her very cool compact one.

At 2 months, your family was very very busy. We spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years with family. It was really a lot of fun! You got to see snow for the first time; your mom really loves snow. Also just before your 2 month birthday, you showed your very first great big smile! Luckily Mom had the camera close by!

At 3 months old, you started showing us your very very adorable personality and discovered your feet. Very close to your 3 month birthday, you learned to roll over from your belly to your back, and also how to grab and play with a rattle. The elephant rattle in this picture is still one of your favorite toys.

On the day you turned 4 months old, we moved from our home in Fairfield to Louisville because Daddy got a new job. You sure love your dad a lot, and your favorite thing in the whole wide world is to play with him. He always makes you laugh! You also learned how to roll over from your back to your belly, and mom was so excited!

When you turned 5 months old, you started talking a little more. On your 5 month birthday, you started saying "Da! Da!" I don't think you know it means Daddy yet, but it still makes us really happy!

Last night, the night before your 6 month birthday, we gave you your very first vegetables. At first you were happy, but you didn't really like the taste of the peas. You love to sit in your high chair, you LOVE to eat your cereal, (rice and oatmeal) and you're trying very hard to learn how to crawl. Sometimes you pull your knees up underneath yourself, and you even got up on your hands and knees once yesterday. You're teething, and we're pretty sure we're going to see some adorable little teeth in your mouth very soon! You started saying other fun words, like "Na" and "Ma," but you still say "Dada" when you're the happiest. Mom thinks it's because you love your dad so much!

We're so proud of you, little James! It's so much fun watching you learn and grow, and even better knowing that we get to keep you forever. We love you more and more every day, and are having so much fun watching you grow. Thank you for making us the happiest parents in the world. We're so thankful that Heavenly Father let you come be a part of our family, and can't imagine our lives without you in it.

We love you!

Mom and Dad

Where Can I Turn For Peace?

2011-04-12T18:04:00.003-04:00

During pregnancy and after the birth of a child, a woman's body goes through lots of changes. We all know that, yet somehow, we find a way to work through the challenges. Mentally, we prepare ourselves for those physical challenges, but what I never realized was that the toll on my mind could (and likely would) be much more devastating than the toll on my body.

After James was born, I had a pretty tough time. Emotionally, I fell apart. The combination of adjusting hormone levels, lack of sleep, and some of what I felt were my own personal failures left me feeling oftentimes empty and alone. As things in our lives began to improve, I started to feel better. James started sleeping more, I started getting more and more productive, Chris got a job, we moved to Louisville, things were really looking up. Then I got pregnant again.

The first time I was pregnant, my mood was great most of the time, especially at the beginning. It was hard on me physically, but I was so thrilled to be pregnant after being told that it would be hard to do that the sickness was just a part of the blessing and nothing more. This time, things haven't been so simple. I can't sleep through the sickness. My hormones hadn't finished adjusting before they took off again. In short, I have been a wreck.

A couple of nights ago, I was feeding James in his darkened bedroom and thinking about my emotional state. No matter how I wracked my brain, I couldn't figure out why nothing was working. No sleep recharged me. No time watching TV or reading a book let me disconnect. Nothing was helping. Why wasn't anything working? Why was I falling apart? Why couldn't I find any answers? Then, without any prompting or warning, a song came to my mind:

1. Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Searching my soul?

2. Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

3. He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love without end.

I mulled over these lyrics for a day or so, and realized that I hadn't given any thought to my spiritual well-being in quite some time. I made a decision that I was going to make an effort to take the Savior up on His promise, "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." I mean honestly, who needs rest more than I do? (Probably most of you, actually.) From this point, I was unsure where I was going to go, so I made the decision to spend at least 10 quiet (alone) minutes reading or listening to scripture or the words of the apostles and prophets each day. Last night, I watched a video of Jeffrey R. Holland's talk from April 2009 called "None Were With Him."

The whole talk is really too incredible to pick and choose which parts to share, but here's one of (many of) my favorite parts.

(The whole talk can be found here.)

"Brothers and sisters, one of the great consolations of this Easter season is that because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so. His solitary journey brought great company for our little version of that path—the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of this Beloved Son, the consummate gift of the Holy Ghost, angels in heaven, family members on both sides of the veil, prophets and apostles, teachers, leaders, friends. All of these and more have been given as companions for our mortal journey because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the Restoration of His gospel. Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are. Truly the Redeemer of us all said: 'I will not leave you comfortless: [My Father and] I will come to you [and abide with you].'"

Through all of my reading and prayer in the last few days, I've come to the conclusion (clearly with a great deal of help from Heaven) that the answer to my woes is to come unto Christ, and the way to do so is by learning of Him. By recognizing the remarkable power of His Atonement, by reading about who He is and the life He lived. By trying each day to be just a little bit more like Him.

If you've made it this far and haven't already read the talk, (and maybe even if you have) take a few moments to watch this video. It shares excerpts from what Elder Holland said interwoven with depictions of Christ's atonement and crucifixion. I promise it's worth it.

Let Your Freak Flag Fly.

2011-03-30T11:57:00.003-04:00

I think I've spent most of my life trying to fit in. I was that girl in sixth grade pretending that my off-brand tennis-shoes from Meijer were "European running shoes" (In my defense, it did say this on the box...) because I didn't want to admit that I just simply didn't have anything that was Adidas. I spent years wishing I could change my hair, change my body type, change my personality so I could be cool. I never quite figured out how to do that.

How terrible would it be if we were all the same?

I was born with hair that would turn curly when I was 12, no matter how many hours I spent with the iron (yes, an actual iron) trying to make it straight.

I was born creative. (Translation: weird)

I was born DIFFERENT. Just like you were.

All the coolest girls were freaks. I mean-Cinderella? She was a dork who read books in the soot by the fireplace. Snow White? 7 really short guy friends, and none of them were interested. Ariel wished and dreamed about getting out of the ocean.

And in the real world, the people who make a difference are the people who ARE different.

I'm not saying you need to change the world, I'm just saying...

What makes us different makes us special. And what makes us special makes us strong.

Now watch this video. Funny song, with a good point.

Motherhood

2011-03-28T16:40:00.003-04:00

Lots has been going on in our world since the last time I updated the blog. So...if you don't follow me on facebook, hold on, because you're about to be updated FAST.

Christopher got a job! Yay! We moved to Louisville at the end of January. Our new ward has LOTS of young couples, and lots of babies. It's pretty much awesome. We moved into a condo that is 5 minutes away from Chris's work, so he can even come home for lunch. I'm so thankful for that time with my husband in the middle of the day!

On February 19, we found out--we're having another baby! Exciting? Of course! Terrifying? Most definitely! This brings me to what I've been thinking a lot about lately.

Motherhood.

Being a mom is hard. It's hard physically, it's hard emotionally, and it's hard intellectually. I haven't been a mom all that long, but the reality of motherhood hit before they even put my sweet baby James in my arms. As James was being born, he breathed in some fluid, and had to be tended to right away. They quickly snipped the cord and carried him away. I hadn't seen his face yet. As the moments passed, I began to be more and more aware that something wasn't right. The crying baby was supposed to be in MY arms, and I was supposed to be the one making everything all better.

I was scared, I was confused, and I couldn't do anything to fix it. The hustle and bustle of the delivery room clouded over, and I was left mostly alone to panic for a moment. Then they put him in my arms. The beautiful squidgy baby who was all mine.

The months that followed are mostly a blur-

colic.

reflux.

formula.

new formula.

new formula again.

growth spurts.

smiling.

rolling.

yelling.

And here we are today. James has forgotten how to sleep, and is begging his parents to forget right along with him. I put him down in his crib, and he yells at me for a while before he finally conks out. When I say "yells," I mean it. He's not crying, he's yelling at me.

And we're going to have another one. And I'm terrified.

Sometimes it's difficult when the thing you've wanted your whole life, the thing your whole being has yearned for turns out to be the most challenging thing you could ever do. All I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother.

But I guess it's okay that sometimes now all I ever want is a long nap in a hotel room somewhere on the other side of the world, right?

Anyway--here's the video that helps me get through the hardest times.

Day 3.

2011-01-08T12:00:00.001-05:00

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

I had a hard time deciding whether this meant the cast of my favorite show I've been in, or favorite show on TV. So, to spare you a story about Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat 2004, I chose the cast of my favorite TV show.

If you don't know what show this is by now, you have two choices. Watch it when it comes back on later this month, or click that little 'x' in the upper corner of your browser window. ...wait! Just kidding! Don't go!

My husband will tell you I love this show because I have a love affair with David Boreanaz. Don't believe him! It's actually because I LOVE crime dramas. This one has a special place in my heart because it helped me through the end of my pregnancy. You see, I used to enjoy watching Law and Order: SVU. That was good and great until those hormones kicked up and I started having nightmares. The bonus with Bones is that it's not nearly as gory and violent as the others. (SVU, CSI, etc.) Here's why.

Dr. Temperance Brennan is a forensic Anthropologist, and Special Agent Seely Booth (an FBI agent) team up to identify victims based on remains that have (typically) no flesh. Dr. Brennan has a team of what Booth calls Squints (People who squint when they look at things. Geniuses.) who have their own specialties. Reconstructing facial structures, identifying fibers and sediments, plant particles, etc.

It also has one of those awesome love stories running through it...kind of. It reminds me of Ross and Rachel in Friends. It's kind of that good. Booth and Brennan are totally meant to be together, but halfway through season 6, it's still not happening. The anticipation is making me crazy, but I guarantee it'll keep me coming back for more!

(And seasons 1-5 are available on Netflix should you want to catch up.)

Day 2.

2011-01-07T12:00:00.002-05:00

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for awhile.

This picture was taken December 31, 2007 when I came home for 2 short weeks to visit my family for the holidays and to see if things were going to work out with this guy. They did. That was the last day of the last year when I didn't talk to him every day.

Day 1

2011-01-06T16:02:00.003-05:00

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts

(This never-before-seen photo was the last belly picture taken in my pregnancy, 2 weeks and 2 days before our James was born.)

1. I love peeps. Marshmallow peeps. Stale.

2. I've been interested in my husband for more than 10 years.

3. I'm a photographer.

4. Our baby's name was chosen 3 years ago.

5. I read EVERYTHING. Cereal box, shampoo bottle, everything.

6. I really enjoy painting my toenails.

7. I have new hobbies like every 15 minutes.

8. Likewise, I have new career goals every 20 minutes.

9. I have expensive taste.

10. I'm seriously unorganized.

11. I miss working with the young women.

12. And the sunbeams.

13. I usually feel inadequate.

14. I miss Provo.

15. I love my husband and baby more than I ever thought possible.

30 days.

2011-01-06T15:59:00.002-05:00

I thought I'd get back into blogging with this little jump-start. I'd love to see yours too!

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for awhile.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
Day 04 - A picture of your night.
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most ridiculous things with.
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.
Day 12 - A picture of something you love.
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.
Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.
Day 25 - A picture of your day.
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

Snow.

2010-12-10T09:53:00.002-05:00

I love snow. Several years ago I came to the conclusion that snow was God's way of showing me that he loved me. Like His personal gift to me.

You see, in the winter, the world gets so ugly...the leaves all fall off the trees, the grass dies, everything turns brown, and the landscape looks completely barren. Then, to make matters worse, the sky darkens, and you just know that it's going to be gloomy all day long. Then something miraculous happens: the heavens open, and beautiful crystalline flakes begin to drift down from the sky and cover everything in a sparkling blanket of white. Everything that was so terrible to look at suddenly becomes the most beautiful scene anyone has ever beheld. It didn't have to be that way. All the precipitation could come when it's warm enough to be rain, but that's not the case. God loves me so much that He lets it snow.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a particularly difficult day. Christopher finally convinced me to get out of the house for a little bit. We walked out the door to head towards the grocery store and discovered the most incredible sight. The parking lot was full of cars, every spot full, and even though there had been a light dusting of snow, none of them had snow on them except mine. Tears sprang to my eyes as I pointed out to Christopher that I knew everything would be okay because I was loved.

When I was a little girl, my mom died. I don't have very many pictures of myself with her, and on top of all that, there aren't any pictures that have any particularly special meaning. Because of that, I asked Chris to take some pictures of me with James the first real snow we had. It's important to me that my beautiful little boy knows that I wanted to share something that's special to me with him. That way, someday, when I can't be there to show him what he means to me, he'll have at least a little something to remind him.

I love my little James.

And my incredible husband.

And I love snow.

Welcome to the world, baby James!

2010-11-26T23:16:00.003-05:00

October 18, 2010

I woke up at 7:30 AM to a contraction, but convinced myself that it was just a dream, and that my body was just waking me up because it felt like it. I laid in bed resting for most of the morning, and noticed before long that my contractions were regular. Exactly 30 minutes apart. I figured it was early labor, but that it would go on all day long.

At 11:30, I decided to take a nap. I woke up to contractions 4 times, and when I finally got up and looked at the clock it was 12:30. My contractions that had been 30 minutes apart were now 15 minutes apart. I didn't have any other sign that things were progressing, except that everything HURT, and BAD.

I called Christopher and told him I needed him to come home around 1:15. He didn't realize how serious I was! Meanwhile, I called the hospital told them I couldn't quite tell how far apart my contractions were. I was having CONSTANT pelvic pain, and was positive something was wrong. I wasn't feeling anything let up between contractions, and eventually couldn't tell I was having contractions at all. It just hurt ALL THE TIME. While I was waiting, I attempted to get myself all ready. I took a shower, and then never even got the chance to brush my hair.

We left for the hospital at 2:20, and when we got there around 2:40, I couldn't walk. They brought me a wheelchair, took me straight to triage, and checked me in while they were doing all my other checks. Usually they check you in before they put you in a room, but the guy at the desk seemed alarmed when we got there. Apparently I was already 5 cm and 90% effaced by the time they checked me the first time, and my contractions (according to the monitor) were 1.5-2 minutes apart. From 12:30 to 2:45, I NEVER had regular contractions, they just kept getting closer and closer and closer together. I think I skipped over the "5 minutes apart for 2 hours before you go to the hospital" phase all together. Thank goodness I trusted my instincts and left for the hospital anyway!

I was basically screaming for an epidural from the second I got in the door, and I think they finally put it in around 3:30 pm. While they were doing the epidural, I my water broke. At that point, I realized we were about to have a baby.

After the epidural, I felt great. I wanted to chat and hang out and have a great time, but in reality, wish I'd taken a nap.

My epidural wore off, and the head anesthesiologist had to come give me some more. I think the guy who gave me the first one was in trouble! (His supervisor came and did the second one, and really really wanted the name of the first doctor.) Anyway, they got that going way before I had to push, so I was okay, but it was definitely not comfortable.

I sent Christopher to get the nurse around 8:00pm and to tell her that I couldn't not push. I think it was against the doctor's wishes, but she said we could go ahead and get started. Apparently I pushed like a champ, and my [big] little guy was out in 45 minutes! It didn't really hurt all that much with the epidural , just a lot of pressure. It was DEFINITELY hard work. Christopher was right there by my side the whole time. He held my hand, coached me through the pushing, and kept reminding me that I was doing a good job.

Right as he was born, they cut the cord REALLY quick, didn't give Christopher a chance to do it. Put him up on my belly, but only for a second. I could tell something was wrong. Apparently he breathed in some fluid as he was coming out, so they had to make sure he was okay. I was really upset because I hadn't seen my little guy's face, but I was glad they were taking such good care of him. It only took a little while, and they brought him to me so I could hold him for the first time, but it definitely was a while before they let anyone else hold him. When the family first came in to see, he had to stay laying on his belly under the heat lamp. Eventually he got all the fluid out on his own. What a great little guy!

Our first few days at the hospital were nice. We had lots of visitors, and got to introduce James to so many of his family members!

We've been home now for almost 6 weeks. It's a much bigger adjustment than we ever imagined! We're all getting used to our roles in our new little family, and sometimes it's very difficult. We've learned a lot about communication and patience, but there will be much more about that later. This is just the birth story that I wrote down the night he was born, and I wanted to post it while I had a chance. (James is sleeping hands-free, and that almost never happens. In fact, now he's waking up.)

The Greater Your Capacity to Create.

2010-09-24T14:49:00.010-04:00

In August, 2009, I asked a doctor what I needed to do to get my body ready to have children. Not because we planned on having a baby right away, but because I wanted to be prepared when we decided the time was right. Given my medical history and the medical conditions I had, she said two words that I feared would haunt me forever:

"Fertility Specialist."

I was 22. I hadn't been married for a year yet. How could someone say those words to me? I cried. For days. I felt like a failure as a woman, I felt like my life had ended, and like there was no reason to get out of bed in the morning. So I chose the easiest path for me, and I ignored it. I pretended it wasn't happening. I decided to not make any appointments with a fertility specialist, because I wasn't ready to admit that I might need help.

Months went by.

Then in January, I watched this video:

"You might say, 'I am not the creative type,' if that is how you feel, think again, and remember that you are spirit daughters of the most creative being in the universe. Isn't it remarkable to think that your very spirits are fashioned by an endlessly creative and compassionate God?"

The day I saw that video, I decided it was time to call the specialist. Not because I was ready to have the baby that minute, but because I knew that there was hope. Even if I couldn't do it naturally or traditionally, I could create a family. I could be a mother.

I scheduled the appointment.

And 5 days before my scheduled appointment, I got this:

A surprise, absolutely. A wonderful, beautiful, remarkable surprise. A blessing. But this is what has stuck with me the most:

"The more you trust and rely upon the spirit, the greater your capacity to create."

Unrequited?

2010-08-19T10:03:00.005-04:00

Alli has been bugging me for some time to update the blog. Truth is, I feel like I don't have anything interesting to say about the present, so I'd like to take you back in time ten years.

This is from 2002, but it'll have to do because I can't find any older pictures right now.

It's August of the year 2000. I've just gone to band camp, and found myself nursing my very first high school crush. (We'll call it high school. I'm aware that Freshmen have their own

school at Fairfield, the very one I attended.) Now high school crushes are something special, when compared to the middle school days of, "We're going out," actually meaning nothing, and the college days when "boyfriend" could at any time be transformed into "husband." High school gives you something more.

There are different versions of the high school crush. There's the "OMGsoHOT" high school crush (though we weren't likely to use "OMG" in real conversation back then, it was still in its' infancy), and there's the "I can envision attending every high school dance with you" type of crush. This was the latter. Don't be fooled, I had plenty of the OMG crushes, but this was something different. I noticed him. I trusted him. I was friends with him.

I know. Friends. The magical word that will dash all hopes of a high school relationship. FRIENDS?! What was I thinking? You don't make FRIENDS with the guys you're interested in! I just didn't understand that.

So I passed him a note.

I told him I liked him.

I asked him if he liked me.

He said...

"No."

WHAT?! No?! How could he not? He talks to me all the time! He's my friend! Can't he see that there should be something more?

...oh. What's that? Guys don't date their friends? Crap.

A few months later, he got a girlfriend. She was one of my good friends, so I let it be. He and I were friends anyway, the kind of friends who have inside jokes and make fun of people behind their backs... (Don't worry! Only teachers!) I figured their relationship would end like the other relationships do, so I waited it out.

and I waited.

and waited.

What? Senior year of high school, and they're STILL together? (This doesn't mean that I didn't have other guys in my mind that I was interested in, but if he'd ever come around, I would have been THRILLED, dropped all other prospects and lived happily ever after with the man of my Freshman dreams.)

So I went to college.

I got a boyfriend.

I sent him on a mission.

And I kept in touch with all my high school friends on Facebook.

Nearly seven years after I first noticed him, I changed my profile picture on Facebook.

He noticed.

NBD.

Now he's my husband.

It's a BOY!

2010-06-10T00:08:00.003-04:00

He's due October 29. :) The ultrasound looked good (at least to us!) and he seems to be a pretty big dude, weighing in at 12 oz at 19 weeks 5 days!

Updates!

2010-05-06T15:20:00.002-04:00

I say "Updates!" like it's something exciting that I'm going to tell you all about, but let's be honest here, people...I don't have anything interesting to say! So...another brief rundown of our lives:

Christopher graduates next month, and believe me, this is a time we never thought we'd see coming! It's a lot of fun to see the progress on his big capstone project, and I can't wait to show all of you the finished product, with the help of a wonderful voiceover talent, Rob Williams, and his daughter Kandi. There have been a lot of late nights here lately, and I'm so proud of him for all of his hard work, especially because it's definitely not easy to sit inside and work on the computer with the beautiful weather outside!

Things with the photography business are...slow. Hopefully I can get a few high school models so I can have some senior-type portraits to post as the summer hits. I'd like to do some advertising at Village green as the concert season kicks up! [This is the part where if you're a high school student, or the parent of one, you can get an AWESOME deal on pictures...as in ONLY pay for prints, and even that at a VERY reduced rate!]

Besides that, nothing else interesting going on here. If you ever need maternity clothes, go to the GAP outlet in Hebron, Ky...almost everything was in perfect condition! I was amazed! (And pleasantly surprised! It's nice to have some clothes that don't push on my belly. It may just look like fat, but I promise it's not because I'm eating too many doughnuts! In fact...I don't even really like those!)

We're switching to a new doctor, so hopefully I'll have details before too long about when we'll know the gender of this little nugget. Any guesses?

This is getting ridiculous!

2010-04-21T11:15:00.002-04:00

Could someone please tell me why the second someone finds out you're pregnant, they're the top authority on your life? I get that you've been there before, that you "Know exactly how I'm feeling," but would you just shut up unless I ask you for your input? I do have examples of this:

Example number one: Fetal Demise

Well Meaning Woman (WMW): How far along are you now?

Me: 11 weeks

WMW: Oh. That's about how far I was when I had a miscarriage.

WHAT?! Why would you tell a hormonal woman in her first trimester about your miscarriage? Yes, it happens. Yes, if I have a miscarriage, I would love to know that you've been there, but right now, I don't need the solid assurance that every woman miscarries in her first trimester! Seriously!

Example number two: Pregnancy Safety

Me: I'm going to dye my hair.

WMW: You need to make sure you talk to your doctor before you do that. Hair dye is bad for you in pregnancy, it can hurt the baby.

Guess what? It's really not. And there's NO evidence to suggest that it can affect the baby. None whatsoever.

Example number three: Morning Sickness

WMW: How are you feeling?

Me: I'm okay.

WMW: Still sick?

Me: Yeah.

WMW: Shouldn't you be about over that by now?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Guess what? I'm not. Isn't that enough? It's not like I can say, "Ok, fetus, it's been a few weeks now, it's time to be over this!" Apparently my body will stop being sick if and when it's ready to stop being sick. Don't tell me that I should be over it by now. Really. It won't go well.

Example number four: Still Morning Sickness

WMW: I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was sick until 17 weeks. I even threw up once. It was horrible.

This I didn't even gratify with a response. You threw up ONCE?! I would have given up my right arm to only throw up once! I throw up once a day...at least. Usually twice, and there were days that the number reached 4, 5, even 6 times. So no. You don't know exactly how I feel. I know that you were sick for all those weeks, and I would never want to make you feel like your sickness wasn't as bad as mine, because I'm sure it was horrible. But...don't you dare try to console me by telling me you threw up once during the first trimester. That's not the same as throwing up multiple times a day, really, it's not.

I say this, because as we speak, my sickness seems to be decreasing, at least a little bit. My multiple times a day is down to about 1 a day, and that's a lot more doable for me...but the constant nausea still hasn't lifted. I feel better when you tell me that you were sick too, and that you sympathize with my pain. It's okay to leave it at that. Really.

In other news, I'm looking for a new doctor who accepts medicaid. Anyone have recommendations?

Life at the Feldmanns'

2010-02-23T10:52:00.002-05:00

So if you haven't already seen it on Facebook,

We're going to have a baby!

Before you start asking when my due date is, I'll tell you that we thought I was at 4 weeks, but when I talked to the doctor's office to make my appointment, they told me I was at 11. This blew my mind...and means I'm almost 3 months pregnant, and just thought I was tired, crabby, and having acid reflux!

If you want the gory details on why I thought I was at 4 weeks or all that weird stuff, naturally just ask!

Photos

2010-02-15T23:41:00.002-05:00

So I know I'm doing a LOT of self-promoting, and it's probably getting annoying, but I'm really trying hard to build my portfolio. If you, or any of your friends are looking for pictures of your kids, selves, or whatever...let me know. I only have a couple of slots left!

Perfection

2010-01-24T19:21:00.004-05:00

I had the wonderful opportunity to go on my first youth temple trip as a leader yesterday. It was wonderful to see those girls coming out of the font and wrap them in towels and feel the beautiful spirit that was there, but the most profound thing was what I was able to witness while one of the girls was in the font.

One of the girls in our ward has special needs, and was doing baptisms for the first time. She wasn't sure what to do when she got in the font, and was very clumsy. Sometimes she had to do the baptism twice, and it was very difficult at times. The next girl who stepped into the font did it perfectly. Here's what stood out to me:

It doesn't matter how clumsy we are, how difficult it is for us to do things, our efforts still count. The people the first girl was baptized for will be just as grateful as the people the second girl was.

Sometimes in my life, I feel like I'm so clumsily making my way through things, and like that means I'm not good enough, but the real blessing is in the atonement, and the fact that it makes any clumsy effort good enough.

I wanna be a part of it...

2010-01-04T15:02:00.002-05:00

We're going to New York!

So, tell me what you love about New York...

Places to eat?

Places to shop?

Tours?

History?

Public transit?

Entertainment?

If you only had a few days to experience your favorites, where would you go? What would you do?

Sarah D Photo Shoot

2009-12-30T02:38:00.000-05:00

Sarah's senior photo shoot was a blast! Here's a little preview, and you can see the rest of the photos here.

2009-12-20T11:33:00.002-05:00

Visit the photo blog. Only a little post and layout stuff there right now, but there will be more!

2009-12-19T04:01:00.001-05:00

We had a little bit of a photo shoot today, these beautiful kids needed some Christmas pictures taken. This is Hailey:

And here she is with her big sister Riley.

All in all, it turned out okay! :) A good day. What are your thoughts? (For more pictures visit http://picasaweb.google.com/adrienneunklesbay ) Look forward to a photography blog being set up soon...also, don't expect many updates until after Christmas, it's my busiest time of year. Happy Holidays everyone!

Photography

2009-12-10T13:30:00.002-05:00

I need some practice, do any of you want me to take some pictures of you? Your kids? Your pets?

I'll do it for free...

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep...

2009-10-28T16:36:00.009-04:00

Did it feel to anyone like fall just appeared out of nowhere? I'm not complaining, it's my favorite season of the year, but it seemed to be a big surprise this year!

In other news:
We found a home for Charlie. He's living with a girl we knew in high school and her husband. We couldn't be happier to have found such a wonderful home for him, they already have a black lab, and the two dogs play together like crazy!

Connor and I had a birthday party:

As you can see, she was really happy. I was really mad that the picture didn't turn out great, but she was moving so fast!

Also, Ella is one of the prettiest babies I've ever seen, and I love love love taking pictures of her.

Last weekend, Christopher and I went to the UC homecoming football game with my family. We took Nick along with us too, but I couldn't seem to find a good picture, so he's not in this post! It was fun to spend the Saturday enjoying family, football, and of course, free food!

Like father like son:

After the UC game, (The Bearcats won BIG TIME!) We went to the Cyclones' game with Nick. Nick REALLY likes going to those games, and we actually had a blast. Since then, Chris has watched NHL on TV nearly every single day. NBD.

So...we need some things...can anyone help?

2009-10-07T23:19:00.002-04:00

I figured I'd throw this out there in blog land and see if anyone has any furniture that they're not using. Here's what we're looking for:

A small kitchen table. (Our new kitchen is VERY small, so not a very big one)
A dresser.
A couch and/or loveseat. (I'm working on figuring out how to re-upholster, and if that doesn't work out, we'll REALLY need a new couch or loveseat!)
Window coverings and/or hardware.

I know it's a lot to ask, but if anyone has anything available, we'd be happy to take it off your hands!

# Dear Bob Evans, +

2009-10-07T13:16:00.004-04:00

Thank you for creating the most brilliant entrees ever for breakfast. As if your warm delightful biscuits weren't enough, you added eggs, sausage, gravy and cheese.

There was nothing more delicious to bite into after signing the lease for our apartment this morning.

Thank you,

Thank you,

Thank you,

Thank you.

> updates! >

2009-10-06T20:43:00.001-04:00

Hey guys! A few little tid-bits here...

Nordstrom is going great,

work is good for Christopher,

And we are signing the lease tomorrow morning for our APARTMENT! We're moving into the Norwood ward, and will be missing you all, but we're excited to start a new chapter in our lives.

Sadly, it's time for us to say goodbye to our dear sweet dog Charlie. He's not coming to the apartment with us. However, we are letting him go stay with a wonderful new family! They already have a big black lab, and he's right at home playing with her.

Oh yeah, what do you think of the changes to our blog?

Nordstrom and UCSC

2009-09-23T14:54:00.002-04:00

I have like 2.6 seconds to update this before I get going on getting ready for work, but I thought I'd write a little note to let you guys know what's going on in our lives!

Chris found out that after this quarter, he only has two more quarters before he graduates! We're super excited about this, and can't wait to see what the next chapter in our lives will bring! This quarter he's working for P&G at the UC Simulation center. They love his work, and we're so happy that he has this opportunity! His projects are top-secret, so don't expect to get any details!

I'm working at the new Nordstrom store, and it opens on Friday at 10:00 AM. It's going to be a big crowd, but if you don't have anything going on, it could be a TON of fun! Tonight we're having our gala, and it was fun to see the crews setting up places for the DJ, the band, the food, and the bar before I left work last night! My department is all set up, (although it changes daily!) and you should definitely come see me in the Kids' Wear department!

Today is my little big brother's birthday, so if you get a chance, tell Andrew happy birthday!

It's also Michael's (Chris's brother) first day of college! Everyone's getting so old!

A lot of excitement in our neck of the woods, we hardly know what to do with ourselves!

Family of photographers

2009-08-15T01:44:00.002-04:00

So Christopher and I both have a passion for photography.

Or rather...HE has a passion for photography, and I have a budding interest. Whatever it is, we both love to take pictures. You can view our work here:

http://picasaweb.google.com/adriennefeldmann

The Martin-Weber wedding album is full of photos that were taken by him, and a select few were post-edited by me.

The 8-14-09 album are photos taken of my friend Shelly and her family at the zoo...the first time I had any experience shooting without Christopher to guide me! Enjoy!

Help please?

2009-08-10T03:15:00.001-04:00

Hey guys...

I'm not quite sure who out there has a blog, and who doesn't. So...if you have a blog, and you want us to keep up with you, or think we may want to, leave a comment here, so that we can add you to our list. If you're not in the right hand column, then you're not on our reading list. Thanks!

Life in fast forward:

2009-08-09T01:08:00.000-04:00

So we don't really update as often as we should, so here's what's been going on in our world since the wedding...starting with the night we went to the temple...even though that was before the wedding.

Here we are after we left the temple. :)

We honeymooned in Kirtland and Palmyra. Our favorite was the Sacred Grove...well, at least that was MY favorite!

Here we are just about to walk into the grove. Beautiful. We couldn't have asked for better weather!

This is us at the top of the Hill Cumorah.

Kirtland Temple...it was a little bit weird that we had to pay to go inside.

Ethan won Fairfield Idol, NBD.

A fun afternoon in Indiana with family!

Everyone who was there. From left to right-ish:

Ella, Emily, Connor

Sarah, Scott, Grandpa, Ethan, Andrew, Lydia, Dan, Aunt Janice

Adrienne, Christopher, Nathaniel, Uncle Ralph, Uncle Ed

Mom, Dad

Emily became a pinata...also NBD.

We went to the Dublin Irish Festival, and it was lots of fun! I kissed a gecko...actually, THE Gecko. The Geico one. I hope Christopher doesn't get mad!

After the festival, we stopped by the temple. The grounds were locked up for the night, but it was nice to sit in the grass outside and have some family time. My husband is incredible. :)

On Thursday, we had the fantastic opportunity to be with Jill and her family as she was married in the temple to her awesome (now husband) Chris! Tonight, it was lots of fun to be with friends at her reception. Everyone who's anyone was there! :) Pictures to follow. Enjoy!

I had an interview for Nordstrom last week, and was pleased to be asked to come back for a second interview this coming Monday. It'd be a great opportunity, so we'll see what happens!

I hope you enjoyed our updates!

New Beginnings

2009-06-27T14:07:00.000-04:00

In September, 2007, a most unlikely message sparked something that would change our lives forever. Thanks to facebook, instant messenger, and free nights and weekends, Christopher and I spent the better part of every night learning everything that we could about each other. A whirlwind vacation, a blizzard, a baptism, and about 20 months later, we were married.

May 29, 2009

Here we are outside the temple in Louisville, Ky.

We have been so blessed in these last 4 weeks since we were married. Christopher works part- time while he attends classes at UC (DAAP) and I'm working part-time, and looking for a new job. We have two fantastic dogs, our black Lab/ Border Collie mix named Charlie, and the Chihuahua named Bruiser. We've been keeping busy getting the house in order, and trying to figure out how to be married!

Most importantly, we are grateful that we had the opportunity to be sealed together in the temple. It wasn't an easy thing for us, as Christopher is one of only two members of the church in his family, and there was plenty of opposition to our decision to be married in the temple.

I'm glad we were able to begin our lives together in the most sacred place on earth.