The Greater Your Capacity to Create.

In August, 2009, I asked a doctor what I needed to do to get my body ready to have children. Not because we planned on having a baby right away, but because I wanted to be prepared when we decided the time was right. Given my medical history and the medical conditions I had, she said two words that I feared would haunt me forever:

"Fertility Specialist."

I was 22. I hadn't been married for a year yet. How could someone say those words to me? I cried. For days. I felt like a failure as a woman, I felt like my life had ended, and like there was no reason to get out of bed in the morning. So I chose the easiest path for me, and I ignored it. I pretended it wasn't happening. I decided to not make any appointments with a fertility specialist, because I wasn't ready to admit that I might need help.

Months went by.

Then in January, I watched this video:

"You might say, 'I am not the creative type,' if that is how you feel, think again, and remember that you are spirit daughters of the most creative being in the universe. Isn't it remarkable to think that your very spirits are fashioned by an endlessly creative and compassionate God?"

The day I saw that video, I decided it was time to call the specialist. Not because I was ready to have the baby that minute, but because I knew that there was hope. Even if I couldn't do it naturally or traditionally, I could create a family. I could be a mother.

I scheduled the appointment.

And 5 days before my scheduled appointment, I got this:

A surprise, absolutely. A wonderful, beautiful, remarkable surprise. A blessing. But this is what has stuck with me the most:

"The more you trust and rely upon the spirit, the greater your capacity to create."

Unrequited?

Alli has been bugging me for some time to update the blog. Truth is, I feel like I don't have anything interesting to say about the present, so I'd like to take you back in time ten years.

This is from 2002, but it'll have to do because I can't find any older pictures right now.

It's August of the year 2000. I've just gone to band camp, and found myself nursing my very first high school crush. (We'll call it high school. I'm aware that Freshmen have their own

school at Fairfield, the very one I attended.) Now high school crushes are something special, when compared to the middle school days of, "We're going out," actually meaning nothing, and the college days when "boyfriend" could at any time be transformed into "husband." High school gives you something more.

There are different versions of the high school crush. There's the "OMGsoHOT" high school crush (though we weren't likely to use "OMG" in real conversation back then, it was still in its' infancy), and there's the "I can envision attending every high school dance with you" type of crush. This was the latter. Don't be fooled, I had plenty of the OMG crushes, but this was something different. I noticed him. I trusted him. I was friends with him.

I know. Friends. The magical word that will dash all hopes of a high school relationship. FRIENDS?! What was I thinking? You don't make FRIENDS with the guys you're interested in! I just didn't understand that.

So I passed him a note.

I told him I liked him.

I asked him if he liked me.

He said...

"No."

WHAT?! No?! How could he not? He talks to me all the time! He's my friend! Can't he see that there should be something more?

...oh. What's that? Guys don't date their friends? Crap.

A few months later, he got a girlfriend. She was one of my good friends, so I let it be. He and I were friends anyway, the kind of friends who have inside jokes and make fun of people behind their backs... (Don't worry! Only teachers!) I figured their relationship would end like the other relationships do, so I waited it out.

and I waited.

and waited.

and waited.

What? Senior year of high school, and they're STILL together? (This doesn't mean that I didn't have other guys in my mind that I was interested in, but if he'd ever come around, I would have been THRILLED, dropped all other prospects and lived happily ever after with the man of my Freshman dreams.)

So I went to college.

I got a boyfriend.

I sent him on a mission.

And I kept in touch with all my high school friends on Facebook.

Nearly seven years after I first noticed him, I changed my profile picture on Facebook.

He noticed.

NBD.

Now he's my husband.

It's a BOY!

He's due October 29. :) The ultrasound looked good (at least to us!) and he seems to be a pretty big dude, weighing in at 12 oz at 19 weeks 5 days!

Updates!

I say "Updates!" like it's something exciting that I'm going to tell you all about, but let's be honest here, people...I don't have anything interesting to say! So...another brief rundown of our lives:

Christopher graduates next month, and believe me, this is a time we never thought we'd see coming! It's a lot of fun to see the progress on his big capstone project, and I can't wait to show all of you the finished product, with the help of a wonderful voiceover talent, Rob Williams, and his daughter Kandi. There have been a lot of late nights here lately, and I'm so proud of him for all of his hard work, especially because it's definitely not easy to sit inside and work on the computer with the beautiful weather outside!

Things with the photography business are...slow. Hopefully I can get a few high school models so I can have some senior-type portraits to post as the summer hits. I'd like to do some advertising at Village green as the concert season kicks up! [This is the part where if you're a high school student, or the parent of one, you can get an AWESOME deal on pictures...as in ONLY pay for prints, and even that at a VERY reduced rate!]

Besides that, nothing else interesting going on here. If you ever need maternity clothes, go to the GAP outlet in Hebron, Ky...almost everything was in perfect condition! I was amazed! (And pleasantly surprised! It's nice to have some clothes that don't push on my belly. It may just look like fat, but I promise it's not because I'm eating too many doughnuts! In fact...I don't even really like those!)

We're switching to a new doctor, so hopefully I'll have details before too long about when we'll know the gender of this little nugget. Any guesses?

This is getting ridiculous!

Could someone please tell me why the second someone finds out you're pregnant, they're the top authority on your life? I get that you've been there before, that you "Know exactly how I'm feeling," but would you just shut up unless I ask you for your input? I do have examples of this:

Example number one: Fetal Demise

Well Meaning Woman (WMW): How far along are you now?

Me: 11 weeks

WMW: Oh. That's about how far I was when I had a miscarriage.

WHAT?! Why would you tell a hormonal woman in her first trimester about your miscarriage? Yes, it happens. Yes, if I have a miscarriage, I would love to know that you've been there, but right now, I don't need the solid assurance that every woman miscarries in her first trimester! Seriously!

Example number two: Pregnancy Safety

Me: I'm going to dye my hair.

WMW: You need to make sure you talk to your doctor before you do that. Hair dye is bad for you in pregnancy, it can hurt the baby.

Guess what? It's really not. And there's NO evidence to suggest that it can affect the baby. None whatsoever.

Example number three: Morning Sickness

WMW: How are you feeling?

Me: I'm okay.

WMW: Still sick?

Me: Yeah.

WMW: Shouldn't you be about over that by now?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Guess what? I'm not. Isn't that enough? It's not like I can say, "Ok, fetus, it's been a few weeks now, it's time to be over this!" Apparently my body will stop being sick if and when it's ready to stop being sick. Don't tell me that I should be over it by now. Really. It won't go well.

Example number four: Still Morning Sickness

WMW: I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was sick until 17 weeks. I even threw up once. It was horrible.

This I didn't even gratify with a response. You threw up ONCE?! I would have given up my right arm to only throw up once! I throw up once a day...at least. Usually twice, and there were days that the number reached 4, 5, even 6 times. So no. You don't know exactly how I feel. I know that you were sick for all those weeks, and I would never want to make you feel like your sickness wasn't as bad as mine, because I'm sure it was horrible. But...don't you dare try to console me by telling me you threw up once during the first trimester. That's not the same as throwing up multiple times a day, really, it's not.

I say this, because as we speak, my sickness seems to be decreasing, at least a little bit. My multiple times a day is down to about 1 a day, and that's a lot more doable for me...but the constant nausea still hasn't lifted. I feel better when you tell me that you were sick too, and that you sympathize with my pain. It's okay to leave it at that. Really.

In other news, I'm looking for a new doctor who accepts medicaid. Anyone have recommendations?

Life at the Feldmanns'

So if you haven't already seen it on Facebook,

We're going to have a baby!

Before you start asking when my due date is, I'll tell you that we thought I was at 4 weeks, but when I talked to the doctor's office to make my appointment, they told me I was at 11. This blew my mind...and means I'm almost 3 months pregnant, and just thought I was tired, crabby, and having acid reflux!

If you want the gory details on why I thought I was at 4 weeks or all that weird stuff, naturally just ask!

Photos

So I know I'm doing a LOT of self-promoting, and it's probably getting annoying, but I'm really trying hard to build my portfolio. If you, or any of your friends are looking for pictures of your kids, selves, or whatever...let me know. I only have a couple of slots left!