Since Sam was born, I've struggled with finding a new normal in my life. This winter has been particularly dreary and dark. I've felt exhaustion, anxiety, stress, and sometimes extreme frustration and rage. Having two babies at home means that the soundtrack of my day is usually more screaming than it is squeals of delight. I long for the moments of peace that come when everyone is asleep. I long for something gentle and peaceful to brighten my world. In the winter, that peace comes for me in the form of snow. This winter has been even more of a challenge as I waited and waited for the snow to fall. I would see the glorious flakes in the forecast, only to feel disappointment as the dusting only touched our cars or the grass to melt away before the day was through. The sky would darken, and the rough brown grass would mock me. There wouldn't be a soft blanket of white brightening my day anytime soon.
I would be joking if I said I didn't feel like it was symbolic of the dark gloomy world inside my head.
This morning when I lost the game of rock-paper-scissors that meant I'd be feeding Sam his early bottle, I finally didn't feel angry about being awake. I sat on the couch with a bottle in hand and suddenly something felt different. "Christopher! It smells like snow." (That sweet man was unloading the dishwasher instead of sleeping in.) As soon as Sam was finished eating, I looked out the window. There it was. After I had given up hope that our world would be covered in brilliant white, allowing us to forget how dreary life can be for just a little while, there it was. My snow.
Sometimes snow doesn't come to lift your mood. Sometimes it waits to fall until you've learned to lift your mood yourself. Sometimes it's the light at the end of the tunnel that says,
"You did it. You made it. And look how beautiful it is out there."
I knew God loved me.
So I talked to Sam about the snow. I told him what it means to me. Snow means God loves us. It means He wants to give us something beautiful to look at for a while. It means He knows who we are, and today it means, "you did it."
Spring is just around the corner, and we won't need the snow anymore, but for today, a little symbol of God's love for me. Sorry if you had to clear your car off this morning, but I needed it.
It's always been a challenge for me that I don't have any extra-special pictures of myself with my mom, so we've made a point of taking pictures of the boys with me when we have our first real snow. When March got here and we still hadn't had any, I had almost abandoned hope and started to write Sam a letter to tell him that I was sorry, but we waited and waited for his special snow day, but then it came! Chris came home for a few minutes to take these very important pictures for us because we're not positive it'll last very long.
I really love that little giant. My little Samuel.
And I'm thankful we got to share the snow today.
I think it's going to be a good week.