Sunday, April 22, 2012

Truth.


Hi. My name is Adrienne, and I'm bipolar.
This is the part where I'm supposed to make some joke about how I change my mind all the time, but the joke's not here.

Because I really am bipolar.

Before you get all google happy, I'm bipolar II. That matters. The diagnosis is new, only 3 weeks old. I've been frustrated lately because I don't feel like I'm getting any support for what I'm going through-then I realized the truth: nobody knows what I'm going through.

Bipolar II means I have all the lows of being bipolar without having the unbelievable highs. My lows are devastatingly low, and the highs (in my case) mean that I'm irritable and agitated. I spend most of my days walking around completely numb, not feeling anything for anyone or anything. When feelings do materialize, all that's left is excruciating emotional pain and crippling anxiety. They say the medicine is going to help. So far it doesn't. So far nothing really does.

So when I say I'm fine, it just means I don't currently want to curl up and die. When I say, "We're surviving," it means "at least we made it through the morning/night/afternoon."

My name is Adrienne. I'm bipolar. And I feel like my life is eating me alive.

And that's the truth. Finally.

10 comments:

Pam said...

I am sorry you are going through this. I can not empathize with your condition. I can empathize on feeling overwhelmed. Hope you find coping mechanisms. I know that you are loved! Good Luck!

Stacy said...

The truth. I know nothing seems to be helping now but something will. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (google says I am crazy)at 20 after years of not knowing exactly what was wrong with me.
Now you know. and while I don't know what you are going through exactly.. the answer in it self is a blessing. I hope healing follows and you are able to get more out of your days and your life than fine and survival. I shouldn't be doing as well as I am but here I am. It can get better. Thank you for sharing.

Taylor-made! said...

I get it. I've never been diagnosed exactly (always just called depressed) but I'm most likely bipolar also. Just ask my husband. It is either I have all the confidence in the world or nothing is ever going to work out ever and I'm an absolute failure at life. I do take medication and it did take about a month to feel better, but that was post-partum. Previously I just struggled with it, but after having Ollie, I realized that I needed medication to make it out of the black hole. I had PPD pretty bad and I will admit that going off my meds for pregnancy scares me a ton. I know I will never get to attempt to breastfeed again because I will start taking my meds as soon as I can after delivery. My child(ren) deserve an awesome mom and if that requires me to be medicated, than so be it.

I am here for you if you need anything at all. Seriously. Don't be afraid to vent to me. I will in no way judge you. Your statements above ring all to clear in reminder of my PPD. I used to watch 16 and pregnant to tell myself that if those girls could make it, then so could I. At least I had a husband and family to support me.

I really hope to see you soon. I go part time this week so I may be able to get things straight enough up here to get to come down! <3

Andrea Taylor said...

BTW, this is Andrea. My pic isn't showing up for some reason.

Tiffany said...

I'm so sorry! I can empathize to some degree. Years ago I was diagnosed with Dysthymia. It took years to figure out what was wrong, and many medications, but eventually I did find success in treating it. Hopefully you will find a medication that works for you soon. Let me know if I can do anything. I admire your honesty!

The Sprouls said...

I'm so sorry that you are feeling horible. :-( I don't have a lot of experience in bipolar either but I know that it is hard to not feel like you feel you should. Depression, anxiety, OCD, eating disorders and other things run in my family. I have the social anxiety and general anxiety. But it seems almost the rest of my family has struggled with depression in one way or another for a long time. My sister attempted suicide in 2005 and it almost destroyed me. Luckily she is not suicidal anymore. But yea, what I mean is, if you need anything, let me know. When I am used to having 2 kids, I will try and take your kids and give you a break more. I should have done that more before. (Not that I have two kids yet, but labor can come any day) You aren't alone, and you are definitely loved!

Lauren Kay said...

I love you and I love your honesty. I hope you get some medicine that will help. It's not fair to yourself to not be able to enjoy life how you want and deserve to. I'm glad you have a good support system. Lots of love, Lauren

Mama D said...

Count me as another friend who admires your honesty and loves you. Stacy Hickson could be another source of knowledge about how to navigate this diagnosis. "The truth will set you free..." now has a different context. I hope sharing this and receiving the support from your friends helps make your days and minutes bearable.

There will not be a miracle cure, but I hope you find things that will help you eventually control your bipolar moods: medication, small moments of joy with your family, feeling loved, learning coping mechanisms, whatever.

My mantra: endure well enough for now. Sometimes "now" is one minute, one second, one breath, at a time.

The Jones Family said...

Adrienne, I admire you honesty and sweetness! While I can not empathize I can certainly be a listening ear anytime you need one, a friend to call on when favors are needed or, if you just need to have some fun! You are an amazing woman and I know Heavenly Father has such confidence in your abilities as a person. You have been blessed with an incredible family - a strong husband and two beautiful children that He would only send you if you could handle it. I will pray you can find a medicine that will help to stabilize the moods and sadness; I know from family history that that the right drug can change your world! Keep fighting and let me know if there is anything I can ever do. I count myself lucky to be your friend :)

Katrina said...

This would make an already tricky time so difficult! I'm so sorry you're going through this, but glad to hear you've started a medicine that should help. I hope it does--soon! In the meantime, I'll keep praying for you!