Friday, June 22, 2012

Who knew? I did.

Looks like my diagnosis of bipolar II has been removed and in place we have a diagnosis of postpartum depression.  Treatment seems to be helping (little by little) and there are more and more breaks in the clouds as the days go by.

I heard once that there are people who don't "believe in" postpartum depression.  To those people I will only say that I sincerely hope you never experience something like this.  It's devastating.  Sometimes I read people's blog posts and facebook statuses about how wonderful and perfect their lives are as new moms.  I've never felt that way, and that makes me feel guilty and sad.

So can we talk about what's real for a minute?   Can I stop talking about how wonderful and perfect my life is long enough to say that this is hard?  Because it is.  I knew it was going to be hard, but there was no way to grasp how things were really going to be. I knew there was a chance I'd have postpartum depression.

But I didn't know it would feel like this.  I didn't know I would look at my kids and wish I could feel something.  Some days I wish so hard it hurts.  I didn't know my children's cries would make me feel like I'm losing my mind.  I didn't know how hard it would be to force myself out of the house.  I didn't know that I'd lose the desire to cook, to take pictures, to talk to friends...all the things I love to do.

So in the mean time, I'll look forward to the small moments when the sun peeks through the clouds, and hope that we can all forget the hard times and remember the good ones. Here's that hoping that in the picture of forever, this time won't feel so long or challenging.


adam.katie521 said...

I think a lot of people feel the same way but are to afraid to say anything because they are scared about what people may think. I think you are brave and a great mom. I wish people were more honest like you. I felt the same way about marriage that everyone tells you how great it is but they never say that it would be hard or that some days are worse than others. So I think it's okay to express how you feel because I am sure others feel the exact same way. I think you are a great person and a wonderful example. I hope the depression goes away with time and with the right help. :)

Laura Jansson said...

Adrienne, I'm so glad that you have a corrected diagnosis & are able to be treated properly. I'm so sorry that you struggle with the depression so much. I hope you know that you can call me at a moments notice if you need a morning/afternoon off! We will come get those cute boys in a heartbeat! You are a super mom--especially because you are a super mom even through your struggles. Thank you for sharing your story. ((Hugs)) :)

Mama D said...

I wish I had had your courage when I was a young mother. I was too afraid to speak up, or seek help, or admit there was a problem. I spent a lot of time thinking and saying, "If only I can [try harder, hang in there until..., endure to the end, stop focusing on all the negatives, fill in the blank...]" It was a disservice to me and to my family.

I admire your honesty, your courage, your resolve to talk about the bad with the good.

In reality, life is a mixture of both ups and downs. It doesn't help to deny the existence of any problems. There is a difference between looking for the blessings and being grateful for the little things even when life is hard, and living in the denial fairy tale of perfection. Too often we paint a rosy picture and avoid even the appearance of any negatives. But that perfect bed of roses also has thorns...

Thanks for being brave enough to stand up and say, "This is my reality, and I am dealing with it the best I can. Sometimes I fail, but sometimes I can recognize and enjoy the little moments."

Katrina said...

I dealt with postpartum depression enough after the birth of my first child to know it wasn't something I would wish on my worst enemy. Those were the darkest days of my life, so I don't know how you're doing it. I'm glad you received the correct diagnosis (and that it's something temporary!), and that treatment is working, little by little. After the trials come the blessings, right? So I'd say you're in for some crazy wonderful blessings pretty soon here!