Where Can I Turn For Peace?

During pregnancy and after the birth of a child, a woman's body goes through lots of changes. We all know that, yet somehow, we find a way to work through the challenges. Mentally, we prepare ourselves for those physical challenges, but what I never realized was that the toll on my mind could (and likely would) be much more devastating than the toll on my body.

After James was born, I had a pretty tough time. Emotionally, I fell apart. The combination of adjusting hormone levels, lack of sleep, and some of what I felt were my own personal failures left me feeling oftentimes empty and alone. As things in our lives began to improve, I started to feel better. James started sleeping more, I started getting more and more productive, Chris got a job, we moved to Louisville, things were really looking up. Then I got pregnant again.

The first time I was pregnant, my mood was great most of the time, especially at the beginning. It was hard on me physically, but I was so thrilled to be pregnant after being told that it would be hard to do that the sickness was just a part of the blessing and nothing more. This time, things haven't been so simple. I can't sleep through the sickness. My hormones hadn't finished adjusting before they took off again. In short, I have been a wreck.

A couple of nights ago, I was feeding James in his darkened bedroom and thinking about my emotional state. No matter how I wracked my brain, I couldn't figure out why nothing was working. No sleep recharged me. No time watching TV or reading a book let me disconnect. Nothing was helping. Why wasn't anything working? Why was I falling apart? Why couldn't I find any answers? Then, without any prompting or warning, a song came to my mind:

1. Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Searching my soul?

2. Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

3. He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love without end.

I mulled over these lyrics for a day or so, and realized that I hadn't given any thought to my spiritual well-being in quite some time. I made a decision that I was going to make an effort to take the Savior up on His promise, "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." I mean honestly, who needs rest more than I do? (Probably most of you, actually.) From this point, I was unsure where I was going to go, so I made the decision to spend at least 10 quiet (alone) minutes reading or listening to scripture or the words of the apostles and prophets each day. Last night, I watched a video of Jeffrey R. Holland's talk from April 2009 called "None Were With Him."

The whole talk is really too incredible to pick and choose which parts to share, but here's one of (many of) my favorite parts.

(The whole talk can be found here.)

"Brothers and sisters, one of the great consolations of this Easter season is that because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so. His solitary journey brought great company for our little version of that path—the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of this Beloved Son, the consummate gift of the Holy Ghost, angels in heaven, family members on both sides of the veil, prophets and apostles, teachers, leaders, friends. All of these and more have been given as companions for our mortal journey because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the Restoration of His gospel. Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are. Truly the Redeemer of us all said: 'I will not leave you comfortless: [My Father and] I will come to you [and abide with you].'"

Through all of my reading and prayer in the last few days, I've come to the conclusion (clearly with a great deal of help from Heaven) that the answer to my woes is to come unto Christ, and the way to do so is by learning of Him. By recognizing the remarkable power of His Atonement, by reading about who He is and the life He lived. By trying each day to be just a little bit more like Him.

If you've made it this far and haven't already read the talk, (and maybe even if you have) take a few moments to watch this video. It shares excerpts from what Elder Holland said interwoven with depictions of Christ's atonement and crucifixion. I promise it's worth it.

Let Your Freak Flag Fly.

I think I've spent most of my life trying to fit in. I was that girl in sixth grade pretending that my off-brand tennis-shoes from Meijer were "European running shoes" (In my defense, it did say this on the box...) because I didn't want to admit that I just simply didn't have anything that was Adidas. I spent years wishing I could change my hair, change my body type, change my personality so I could be cool. I never quite figured out how to do that.

How terrible would it be if we were all the same?

I was born with hair that would turn curly when I was 12, no matter how many hours I spent with the iron (yes, an actual iron) trying to make it straight.

I was born creative. (Translation: weird)

I was born DIFFERENT. Just like you were.

All the coolest girls were freaks. I mean-Cinderella? She was a dork who read books in the soot by the fireplace. Snow White? 7 really short guy friends, and none of them were interested. Ariel wished and dreamed about getting out of the ocean.

And in the real world, the people who make a difference are the people who ARE different.

I'm not saying you need to change the world, I'm just saying...

What makes us different makes us special. And what makes us special makes us strong.

Now watch this video. Funny song, with a good point.

Motherhood

Lots has been going on in our world since the last time I updated the blog. So...if you don't follow me on facebook, hold on, because you're about to be updated FAST.

Christopher got a job! Yay! We moved to Louisville at the end of January. Our new ward has LOTS of young couples, and lots of babies. It's pretty much awesome. We moved into a condo that is 5 minutes away from Chris's work, so he can even come home for lunch. I'm so thankful for that time with my husband in the middle of the day!

On February 19, we found out--we're having another baby! Exciting? Of course! Terrifying? Most definitely! This brings me to what I've been thinking a lot about lately.

Motherhood.

Being a mom is hard. It's hard physically, it's hard emotionally, and it's hard intellectually. I haven't been a mom all that long, but the reality of motherhood hit before they even put my sweet baby James in my arms. As James was being born, he breathed in some fluid, and had to be tended to right away. They quickly snipped the cord and carried him away. I hadn't seen his face yet. As the moments passed, I began to be more and more aware that something wasn't right. The crying baby was supposed to be in MY arms, and I was supposed to be the one making everything all better.

I was scared, I was confused, and I couldn't do anything to fix it. The hustle and bustle of the delivery room clouded over, and I was left mostly alone to panic for a moment. Then they put him in my arms. The beautiful squidgy baby who was all mine.

The months that followed are mostly a blur-

colic.

reflux.

formula.

new formula.

new formula again.

growth spurts.

smiling.

rolling.

yelling.

And here we are today. James has forgotten how to sleep, and is begging his parents to forget right along with him. I put him down in his crib, and he yells at me for a while before he finally conks out. When I say "yells," I mean it. He's not crying, he's yelling at me.

And we're going to have another one. And I'm terrified.

Sometimes it's difficult when the thing you've wanted your whole life, the thing your whole being has yearned for turns out to be the most challenging thing you could ever do. All I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother.

But I guess it's okay that sometimes now all I ever want is a long nap in a hotel room somewhere on the other side of the world, right?

Anyway--here's the video that helps me get through the hardest times.

Day 3.

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

I had a hard time deciding whether this meant the cast of my favorite show I've been in, or favorite show on TV. So, to spare you a story about Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat 2004, I chose the cast of my favorite TV show.

If you don't know what show this is by now, you have two choices. Watch it when it comes back on later this month, or click that little 'x' in the upper corner of your browser window. ...wait! Just kidding! Don't go!

My husband will tell you I love this show because I have a love affair with David Boreanaz. Don't believe him! It's actually because I LOVE crime dramas. This one has a special place in my heart because it helped me through the end of my pregnancy. You see, I used to enjoy watching Law and Order: SVU. That was good and great until those hormones kicked up and I started having nightmares. The bonus with Bones is that it's not nearly as gory and violent as the others. (SVU, CSI, etc.) Here's why.

Dr. Temperance Brennan is a forensic Anthropologist, and Special Agent Seely Booth (an FBI agent) team up to identify victims based on remains that have (typically) no flesh. Dr. Brennan has a team of what Booth calls Squints (People who squint when they look at things. Geniuses.) who have their own specialties. Reconstructing facial structures, identifying fibers and sediments, plant particles, etc.

It also has one of those awesome love stories running through it...kind of. It reminds me of Ross and Rachel in Friends. It's kind of that good. Booth and Brennan are totally meant to be together, but halfway through season 6, it's still not happening. The anticipation is making me crazy, but I guarantee it'll keep me coming back for more!

(And seasons 1-5 are available on Netflix should you want to catch up.)

Day 2.

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for awhile.

This picture was taken December 31, 2007 when I came home for 2 short weeks to visit my family for the holidays and to see if things were going to work out with this guy. They did. That was the last day of the last year when I didn't talk to him every day.

Day 1

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts

(This never-before-seen photo was the last belly picture taken in my pregnancy, 2 weeks and 2 days before our James was born.)

1. I love peeps. Marshmallow peeps. Stale.

2. I've been interested in my husband for more than 10 years.

3. I'm a photographer.

4. Our baby's name was chosen 3 years ago.

5. I read EVERYTHING. Cereal box, shampoo bottle, everything.

6. I really enjoy painting my toenails.

7. I have new hobbies like every 15 minutes.

8. Likewise, I have new career goals every 20 minutes.

9. I have expensive taste.

10. I'm seriously unorganized.

11. I miss working with the young women.

12. And the sunbeams.

13. I usually feel inadequate.

14. I miss Provo.

15. I love my husband and baby more than I ever thought possible.

30 days.

I thought I'd get back into blogging with this little jump-start. I'd love to see yours too!

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for awhile.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
Day 04 - A picture of your night.
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most ridiculous things with.
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.
Day 12 - A picture of something you love.
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.
Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.
Day 25 - A picture of your day.
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.